What is an Argument? Argument definition: Is a discussion involving conflicting points of view. Deductive Arguments: if valid, the conclusion follows by necessity. Persuasive Argument: Where the one person or group benefits at the cost of the other. Inductive Argument: If strong, the conclusion is, at best, probably true.
Years of marriage counseling/ Relationship counseling and a successfull second marriage have convinced me that couples do not need to Argue; they need to discuss. Couples need to solve problems, and sometimes they need to agree to disagree. Arguments are destructive, a dynamic that does not help a discussion. Although relationships do need to breath, sweat and grow to develop just like any other kind of living organism.
If you have energy to create a scene, you have more than enough energy to keep it civilized and productive by having a discussion instead. However, because social expectations and learnt behaviors are so strong, many of my clients want rules for healthy discussions Here are some rules that may be helpful.
Argument Rules:
1. Remember the point of the fight is to reach a solution and make-up, not to win, be right, or make your partner wrong. In the middle of a fight try saying “OK your right I’m wrong” (Edward De Bono)
2. Do not try to read their minds. Ask instead what he or she is thinking. As one person thinks one thing, the other thinks another and guess what? Your both wrong. Practise Open, Honest, Communication.
3.Do not Dredge! Do not bring up previous problems that may or may not relate to this one. Leave the past in the past; keep to the current problem. Solve one thing at a time.
4.Keep it simple. State your problem clearly, suggest some alternatives, and try to choose a solution together. Compromise.
5.Do not talk over each other. Do not talk too much at once. Keep your statements to two or three sentences. Your partner will not be able to grasp more than that.
I will convey more hints, tips and secrets to healthy arguing in subsequent posts.
