OK! Am I ‘right to be wrong’…?

Arguments just turn things into bigger problems and you end up saying what you don’t really mean. You also end up miss-communicating your feelings because you decided to use your words as weapons. Ultimately taking their power away…Again!
Or not, as the case may be.

Winning an argument is always tempting.
Who doesn’t want to be right?
Have the last word?
Be the meanest, sharpest and smartest with their words?
In other words to be victorious!
So when you argue with someone and you think you can win or that you have won… think about it more carefully.

Even if you make better points and counter-act each of theirs — does that mean you’ve won? Or does it mean that you’ve convinced them that you won?

More likely, it means that they’ll get even more upset because you shut them down, de-valued them, disempowering or worse — they’ll avoid you, resent you, or be passive aggressive in revenge.

Your feelings exist whether or not someone tries to argue you into submission or to refer to your feelings as maybe irrelevant and that your feelings are not valid or valued and argue as if they are non-existent or even worse stupid.

When someone doesn’t like hearing what you think… or what you feel — let them voice their opinion, they have a right to their own opinion.
They have a right to not be considerate of you in that moment. They have a right to only think for them selves.

They can tell you that you shouldn’t have those feelings, values, beliefs, they also tell you, you’re being unreasonable, your being illogical or

irrational, you’re too sensitive, or you’re overreacting.

Does this sound familiar to you?

They can try all they want — but just because they argue doesn’t mean they win (remember #1).

You also have the right to your opinion BUT you are choosing to argue your opinion instead of valuing your self.

So what does winning mean to you?

What would you win anyway?

They can give you cause to feel invalidated by arguing against your feelings.

It’s when you argue back, by defending your feelings when you never have to… that you allow them to win.

Just think about that for a moment…you allow them.

But if you hold your personal boundaries and don’t argue back (simply healthily deflecting back), then you’ve won. You’ve held your ground.

You’ve not let them sway you. You have also valued your own feelings and felt confident within your own opinion. Good for you!!

If you work well with your emotions – be assertive with how you feel and remain true to your self you can shift arguments into meaningful, intimate, constructive conversations.

Try it…What have you got to lose?

Dawn Pugh Expert therapist.

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What is an Argument?  Argument definition: Is a discussion involving conflicting points of view. Deductive Arguments:  if valid, the conclusion follows by necessity. Persuasive Argument: Where the one person or group benefits at the cost of the other. Inductive Argument: If strong, the conclusion is, at best, probably true.

Years of marriage counseling/ Relationship counseling and a successfull second marriage have convinced me that couples do not need to Argue; they need to discuss. Couples need to solve problems, and sometimes they need to agree to disagree. Arguments are destructive, a dynamic that does not help a discussion. Although relationships do need to breath, sweat and grow to develop just like any other kind of living organism.

If you have energy to create a scene, you have more than enough energy to keep it civilized and productive by having a discussion instead. However, because social expectations and learnt behaviors are so strong, many of my clients want rules for healthy discussions  Here are some rules that may be helpful.

Argument Rules:

 1. Remember the point of the fight is to reach a solution and make-up, not to win, be right, or make your partner wrong. In the middle of a fight try saying “OK your right I’m wrong” (Edward De Bono)

 2. Do not try to read their minds. Ask instead what he or she is thinking. As one person thinks one thing, the other thinks another and guess what? Your both wrong. Practise Open, Honest, Communication.

3.Do not Dredge! Do not bring up previous problems that may or may not relate to this one. Leave the past in the past; keep to the current problem. Solve one thing at a time.

 4.Keep it simple. State your problem clearly, suggest some alternatives, and try to choose a solution together. Compromise.

5.Do not talk over each other. Do not talk too much at once. Keep your statements to two or three sentences. Your partner will not be able to grasp more than that.

I will convey more hints, tips and secrets to healthy arguing in subsequent posts.

Dawn Pugh